Whilst in town, before getting the bus to the hospital, I ran into boots and got a cheap test to do, so I would know either way. My heart would pound at the thought of being pregnant again. We didn't plan to have another, we had just agreed the two boys was enough for us.
I used the bathroom in Costa coffee whilst waiting for a coffee to take out. My hands were all clammy and shaking whilst I waited for the results. My heart was beating so hard.
And then a little faint pink line showed up on the test. I couldn't believe it at first, I kept moving the test different ways under the light to see if I was imagining it. I took a picture and sent it to J to see if he could see the line. He actually thought I had got the picture off google. It wasn't until he saw the test himself that he believed me. And there was no denying the test was right. A few hours later, the test line was as dark as the control line!
I was speechless to say the least. I had my hands full with two boys, not to mention my age, I was only 23, what would people say? What would my family think? How would we manage?
I had just been made redundant from my job I had worked at since I was 17. I had - at the time - uncontrolled post natal depression. How the hell was I going to manage with three children 5 and under? What if the depression came back or got worse?
"What are we going to do?" was the question going around my mind. Over and over I would think about my options. Abort the pregnancy - something I said I would never do. Ever. But we hadn't planned on a third baby. Dare I say it, we didn't want another. We were happy with the children we had, the life we had.
All the questions I was asking myself were "what if's". Questions I couldn't answer and would never know. It was a decision I had to made blindly. I would never know in advance what it would be like with three, and I would never know what it would be like after aborting my child.
J had told me the decision was down to me, and what ever I decided he would support me. He was worried about my PND too, whether it would resurface or not and how we would manage money wise with an extra mouth.
It wasn't a decision I could take lightly. I thought about it every waking moment, I cried thinking about the possibility of aborting my baby. I never, ever, thought I would be in a position where I had to think about abortion. I didn't want to be in this position. Do I keep the baby and potentially make it harder for the family I already have, having to stretch our already stretched funds a bit further, or do I bless them with another sibling, another ready made friend to play with, another bundle of joy?
And then I spoke to my gran. She told me "its done now, you'll manage, don't worry, these things are sent to test us and they're only sent to those who can. What if its the little girl you have always wanted? He or she will be a gift from your granddad"
My Gran and Granddad were like my second parents. After more or less bringing me up with my parents all my life, they always knew what to say, when, and how to comfort me. I always went to them if I had something bugging me, or if I couldn't tell my mum or dad. I was devastated when my granddad died of Cancer whilst I was pregnant with Master L. Knowing that he only met one of my children is something that will always upset me, but knowing that this could be a gift from him was a lovely way of looking at it.
From then on in I knew I had made my decision. I don't think I could ever have gone through with an abortion. The second I knew I had a teeny baby growing inside of me was the second I knew I couldn't have terminated this pregnancy. I have no idea how women go through with it, it must be such a difficult and emotional decision to have to make and those ladies are definitely stronger than I will ever be. I don't think I'd ever be able to make that decision.
It wasn't an easy pregnancy. I was always second guessing whether I had made the right decision, whether I had put myself or my children first. Was I keeping this baby for me, in case it was the little girl I had always wanted? Should I have terminated and been happy I had my two beautiful boys? This we will never know.
At my 12 week scan I was given the due date of 23rd April 2015, and at our 20 week scan we were told our baby was indeed a little girl. She was being a little madam already, hiding away so I had to go for a walk in the hope she would change position.
I was forever worried about my PND rearing its ugly head, and at 23 weeks I admitted defeat and went back on my anti-depressants. I was terrified of the side effects, but I was reassured that as everything was ok at the anomaly scan, there was a very slim chance of the tablets causing any problems at this stage in the pregnancy. I had to concentrate on me being well, so in turn, my baby would be ok too.
At 33 weeks, I was admitted to hospital with the worry that my waters had gone and I may be having my baby girl early. Thankfully this was a false alarm and I was allowed home late that night. It pushed us into getting everything ready, from making sure she had enough nappies and clothes, to having the hospital bag packed and ready to go. Her moses basket was set up next to my bed and her clothes were set out in the new drawers we had bought her.
It was early morning on 9th April that I woke with niggling pains. It was 1.30am, J was sleeping next to me and I needed to toilet. Again. But when I got back into bed, the pain in my back wouldn't go, I couldn't get comfy, and I couldn't get back to sleep.
I turned the TV on in the bedroom and I started pacing back and forth. Cleo (our pup) was looking at me funny, she was used to the numerous toilet trips, but I would always get back in bed and drop straight off to sleep again. This isn't normal, she was thinking.
At 2am, I went downstairs and sat on my birthing ball. I flicked through the TV downstairs whilst Cleo kept me company on the couch. I started timing the pains I was getting. I just remember having this craving for a cup of tea, but every time I went to make it I would get a pain and need to start bouncing on my ball again.
At about 2.50am, the pains were pretty regular and were starting to hurt, but I was only 38 weeks pregnant, my waters hadn't broken and I wasn't 100% convinced I was in labour. The pains hurt but they were bearable. I woke J up and told him I was getting pains, and he told me to phone his mum. She came to look after the boys, and off we went in a taxi to the hospital, where we arrived at 3.30am. I was finally examined around 4am to be told I was 5cm dilated and would be moved to a bed on the delivery ward as soon as it was ready.
I was given gas and air to help with the pains - which by this point were getting really bloody painful - and 20 minutes later I was told the room was ready. I was wheeled around, without the gas and air and in complete agony, to the room.
There was no time to get gas and air in the room, the midwife barely had enough time to put a plastic apron over her and turn the computer on before I was ready to push. After a few minutes pushing, at 4.45am on 9th April, my darling baby girl was born.
I knew right there and then I had made the right decision. The love I felt for her, the pure rush of love was overwhelming. I couldn't stop looking at her, watching her sleep, touching her soft skin. She was amazing. Her father and I were totally in love, and what made it even more special was the look on the boys' faces when they saw their baby sister for the first time.
|My three beauties. My whole world.|